1 The Housewife Assassin's Handbook Page 20
“Get a room!” yell the cyclists who tap our car as they whiz by.
It takes Jack only a half hour to pack his things.
I stay in the kitchen. Pie is my therapy.
My hands are still kneading pie shell dough when, finally, he comes down, bag in hand.
“I made the bed.”
The man is finally trained, albeit too late for it to matter anymore.
I nod silently. If I open my mouth I know I’ll beg him to stay. I can’t do that to him.
Or to myself.
And certainly not to my children.
However my mouth opens willingly for his. It’s a Pavlovian thing: when his face is anywhere within kissing distance, I hunger to have his lips on mine.
To feel his hands around my waist.
And welcome him inside me.
But no more.
To break his spell over me, I don’t even turn around.
Lassie whines as the screen door slams behind Jack. Even she knows I’ve probably made the biggest mistake of my life.
Chapter 26
Home Sweet Home
A woman’s home is her castle. Truly, she is more than just its queen. She is also its housekeeper, valet, yard person, charwoman, and scullery maid. She is the nanny to its little princes and princesses.
On the upside, she is also the courtesan to its king.
Heaven help any army that attempts to storm her domain. She will defend it until her dying breath.
And afterward she will treat herself to that well deserved mani-pedi.
Yep, she enjoys being a girl with great aim.
I now know a heart can break twice.
It’s been three months since Jack left us. The kids move through the house like sad little wraiths.
Well, at least this time Mary doesn’t take his desertion personally. Instead, she blames it all on me.
The others are in denial. Trisha runs to the phone every time it rings in the hope that it is “Daddy.” Aunt Phyllis says, “Whomever that man is, he loves you too much to walk out forever. He’ll be back. I’d bet a European vacation on it.”
Jeff, too, claims that Jack will be there for when baseball starts up again for fall league, to coach him, just as he promised.
I don’t have the heart to tell him he’s wrong.
In fact, I have no heart left at all.
I’ve taught myself to cry only at night, when I’m alone in my room.
Jeff’s first game of the fall league season is on a beautiful October day. There is a slight chill in the air. By the last inning, the sun’s rays are slanting at such a low angle that I have to shield my eyes to watch his last pitch of a no-hitter—
And that’s when I see him: on the hill beyond third base.
Jeff sees him, too. As the rest of his team whoops and hollers and shakes hands with the losing team, he runs up the hill toward his father.
To Jack.
They are gone before I get there.
But they aren’t at the house, where Mary and Trisha are all smiles. As Trisha dances around in circles shouting her father’s name, Mary yells over her, “He took Jeff out for ice cream. He said he’ll meet you at the Sand Dollar, in an hour—”
An hour? That’s an eternity—
Oh my God! I’ve only got an hour to get ready . . .
The dress I choose is moss green, like his eyes. It flows around me with every step I take. My shawl does little to save me from chill bumps. They are there because I’m nervous, not because I am cold.
I am right on time, and yes, he is already there to greet me, at our favorite table.
He is thinner than I remember, and his eyes are sadder. But they light up when I run into his arms. Through all my tears and demands that he never leave me—leave us—again, he shushes me with long, sweet kisses until I am silent.
As we watch the sun dip into the ocean, he says, “What would you say if I told you I know a way in which we could take down the Quorum, once and for all?”
“I love it when you talk dirty to me.”
His laugh is deep and naughty. It promises thrills, pain, despair, and vengeance. It could be the victory I crave.
More than likely it will be an adventure I’ll regret.
But whatever happens, we will be by each other’s side, and that’s all that matters.
He takes my hand in his. “So, are you in?”
The End
Up Next!
Book 2:
The Housewife Assassin’s
Guide to Gracious Killing
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
I owe a lot to the following people, whose love and support gives me the courage to write, every day:
Karin Tabke, who first fell in love with this book, and pushed me (quite adamantly; what are friends for?) to make it a priority; Andy Brown, who is a go-to guru for anything technical and metaphysical. Andy, thanks making the virtual a reality; Austin Brown and Anna Brown, who are my emotional touchstones, in so many ways; my agent, Holly Root, for her unwavering support; Andree Belle, Darien and Don Coleman, Linda May and Ben Brown, and Mario Martinez and Patricia Steadman, who are always there to encourage, nurture and feed me.
And always last but never least, Martin Brown: you complete me.
Dear readers: If you liked the story and Donna, I’d be honored to get a review from you! We authors live by them, and are always appreciated.
Thank you,
—Josie Brown
HOW TO REACH JOSIE BROWN
www.JosieBrown.com
www.AuthorProvocateur.com
www.twitter.com/JosieBrownCA
www.facebook.com/JosieBrownAuthor
NOVELS IN THE HOUSEWIFE ASSASSIN SERIES
The Housewife Assassin’s Handbook
(Book 1)
Every desperate housewife wants an alias. Donna Stone has one . . . and it happens to be government-sanctioned. But Donna earned it the hard way. her husband was killed the day she delivered their third child. To avenge her husband’s murder, Donna leads a secret life: as an assassin. But espionage makes for strange bedfellows, and brings new meaning to that old adage, “Honey, I’m home...”
The Housewife Assassin’s Guide to Gracious Killing
(Book 2)
A nuclear arms summit, hosted by a politically connected billionaire industrialist, provides the perfect opportunity for a rogue operative to assassinate the newly elected Russian president, on American soil. Donna Stone’s mission: seek and exterminate the shooter before all hell – and World War III – breaks out. Also on Donna’s to-do list: file for divorce. Throw in a couple of killer playdates and a few naughty neighbors, and you’ve got a whole lot of fun.
The Housewife Assassin’s Killer Christmas Tips
(Book 3)
’Tis the season for murder, mayhem and mistletoe! There will be no peace on Earth if Donna and Jack don’t find a shipping container filled with heat-seeking missiles.
The Housewife Assassin’s Bloody Valentine
Donna’s idea of a romantic Valentine’s Day? A couples massage with her mission leader, Jack – not breaking out of a Mexican prison with a drug lord, then stopping a massacre by an international terrorist cell.
OTHER BOOKS BY JOSIE BROWN
Secret Lives of Husbands and Wives
Soon to be a dramatic series on NBC, producer by Jerry Bruckheimer
“If you like Desperate Housewives, then you’ll fly through this gossipy novel full of Wisteria Lane-esque characters living in a suburban jungle. Lyssa Harper, a stay-at-home-mom living in California’s posh Paradise Heights community, befriends the neighborhood DILF (Dad I’d like to...) after his wife leaves him. Suddenly their friendship has Lyssa’s catty “momtourage” talking, her place on the women’s league board in jeopardy and her own marri
age seriously in question. Brown entertains up to the satisfying ending in this lively novel. – Examiner.com
“Just in time for summer, Brown’s novel offers an enjoyable take on suburban California family life, complete with mommy cliques, rebel teenagers, and, of course lots of adultery....The momentum of Brown’s writing and plot keeps the pages turning.” – Booklist
“Already touted as the perfect summer beach read, this character driven (sometimes steamy) book can best be described as the offspring of an affair between Desperate Housewives and a Jennifer Weiner novel....A quick look into the sometimes catty world of wealth where priorities get shifted, friendships get broken and marriages, like their mansions, get rearranged. It was light and fluffy (with some excellent dialogue.)...This coven spread gossip like wild fire, fight like verbal wrestlers and plot like army generals to put together the very confused puzzle of Harry’s love life.” – GoodHousekeeping.com
Totlandia (Series)
Friendship. Lies. Seduction. Betrayal. Welcome to Totlandia.
The salacious secrets of Desperate Housewives meet the aspirational lifestyles of Sex and the City in San Francisco’s most elite mommies group
In this sometimes bittersweet (and always humorous) novel, the friendships among four women who meet in a moms-and-tots playgroup are tested as they address their presumptions, family traumas, love, passion, and the hard realities of parenting their children.
The Baby Planner
“Brown takes baby mania to its illogical, hysterical extreme in this bubbly romp. . . . But what begins as a light foray into Bugaboo country turns into something bigger than a satire of status-obsessed Bay Area yummy mummies as Brown takes a dark look at the fears of parenthood and family, with Katie’s heartbreaking longing for a child unveiling a disturbing reality about her marriage and family. Still, the message from the somber realities is one full of hope: love makes a family, commitment keeps it together.”—Publishers Weekly
“A funny, engaging, and often bittersweet tale from the author of Secret Lives of Husbands and Wives.” –Cincinnati Public Library Spotlight Feature
True Hollywood Lies
“The writing is laced with venomous humor...”
–The Wall Street Journal
“Brown captures the humor of working for a megalomaniac...[A] well-paced, entertaining story.” –Publishers Weekly
“A fine piece of literary work.” –New York Post, Page Six
“Josie Brown does an outstanding job capturing the glitz and glamour of Hollywood living yet illuminating the stark loneliness present beneath the façade. Filled with good-natured humor and witty repartee...”
–Romance Reader’s Connection
“With tongue-in-cheek dialogue, True Hollywood Lies provides a fascinating look at the jet set lifestyle of the rich and for-the-moment famous.... You will laugh, cry, and wonder if it’s worth it to be rich and famous.” –Romance Reviews Today
Impossibly Tongue Tied
“Brad, Angelina, Britney and Kevin may want to check out Josie Brown’s new novel, Impossibly Tongue-Tied, for its ripped-from-the-headlines plot that mixes their scandals together...”– New York Post, Page Six
“Josie Brown gives us another page-turning guilty pleasure.” – Marin Magazine
PRAISE FOR JOSIE BROWN, FROM OTHER AUTHORS
“Hollywood’s got nothing on the cast of characters living in the bedroom community of Paradise Heights, who have the secrets, sex, money and scandal of an OK! Magazine cover story. Josie Brown is a skilled observer whose clever dialogue makes for truly entertaining reading.” —Jackie Collins, bestselling author of Hollywood Wives and Poor Little Bitch Girl
“Josie Brown captures the highs and lows of love, lust and marriage with heart wrenching pathos. I’m recommending it to all my friends as the perfect beach read!”—Lisa Rinna, actress, and author of the novel, Starlit
“The Baby Planner is as a delight. I wondered, as I was reading it, how I every managed without a baby planner, and by the end I wondered how I ever managed without its author, Josie Brown.” —Eileen Goudge, New York Times bestselling author of Once in a Blue Moon
“Josie Brown’s writing is whip-smart as well as wickedly funny, and just as you are enjoying the ride she takes you on, she shatters your heart with her insight into modern lives.”
—Tatjana Soli, New York Times bestselling author of The Lotus Eaters
“I loved this juicy-as-it-it-is-heartfelt novel about love, marriage, friendship and sharp, manicured claws. Could not put it down!”—Melissa Senate, author, The Secret of Joy
“Poignant and funny! Josie Brown’s protagonist is strong, resilient, and unflinchingly honest: she has all the skills she needs to navigate the ‘mean streets’ of the gated community of Paradise Heights. A great read!” —Wendy Wax, author, Magnolia Wednesdays
“Brown proves that a story with suburban bodies can be just as suspenseful as one with dead bodies! Secret Lives of Husbands and Wives is a probing, entertaining fishbowl of married life in a well-heeled, wayward neighborhood. Loved it!” –Stephanie Bond, author of Body Movers series
THE HOUSEWIFE ASSASSIN’S HANDBOOK
By Josie Brown
© 2011 Josie Brown • © 2007 Josie Brown First Serial Rights
All rights reserved. No part of this book shall be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without written permission from the publisher. No patent liability is assumed with respect to the use of the information contained herein. Although every precaution has been taken in the preparation of this book, the publisher and authors assume no responsibility for errors or omissions. Neither is any liability assumed for damages resulting from the use of information contained herein.
This is a work of fiction. All incidents and dialogue, and all characters with the exception of some well-known historical and public figures, are products of the author’s imagination and are not to be construed as real. Where real-life historical or public figures appear, the situations, incidents, and dialogues concerning those persons are entirely fictional and are not intended to depict actual events or to change the entirely fictional nature of the work. In all other respects, any resemblance to persons living or dead is entirely coincidental.
Published by Signal Press
San Francisco, CA 94123
For information, contact Signal Press via email: info@SignalPressBooks.com
THE HOUSEWIFE ASSASSIN’S HANDBOOK and Design are registered trademarks of Josie Brown.
Brown, Josie
THE HOUSEWIFE ASSASSIN’S HANDBOOK
© 2011 Josie Brown
p. cm.
ISBN# 978-0-9740214-0-9 • 0-9740214-0-7
Fiction_ General 2. Fiction_General_Romance 3. Fiction_Contemporary
Title produced in the United States of America
Note: This publication contains the opinions and ideas of its author. It is intended to provide helpful and informative material on the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the authors and publisher are not engaged in rendering professional services in the book. If the reader requires personal assistance or advice, a qualified professional should be consulted.
The author and publisher specifically disclaim any responsibility for any liability, loss, or risk, personal and otherwise, which is incurred as a consequence, directly or indirectly, of the use and application of any of the contents of this book.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available upon request
Cover Design: Andrew Brown, Click Twice Design.
Contents
Chapter 1 Please Read and Follow Directions Carefully . . .
Chapter 2 Spring Cleaning
Chapter 3 Carpool Etiquette
Chapter 4 Recycling
Chapter 5 Divvying Up Household Chores
Chapter 6 Father’s Day
Chapter 7 Be the Life of the Party!
Chapter 8 Starve a Fever, Feed a Cold . . .
Chapter 9 Dressed to Kill
Chapter 10 On the Town
Chapter 11 Mattress Testing Tips
Chapter 12 Can She Make a Cherry Pie?
Chapter 13 Children Shouldn’t Play with Explosives
Chapter 14 Hostess with the Mostest!
Chapter 15 Establishing a Good Neighbor Policy
Chapter 16 Lie Like a Rug
Chapter 17 Pest Control
Chapter 18 Trash Talk
Chapter 19 Fair Play
Chapter 20 How to Make Your Bed
Chapter 21 Frozen vs. Canned
Chapter 22 Dirty Laundry
Chapter 23 Well-Balanced Meals
Chapter 24 Ring Around the Collar
Chapter 25 Sticks and Stones
Chapter 26 Home Sweet Home
RETURN TO MAIN MENU
Table of Contents
Chapter 1 Please Read and Follow Directions Carefully . . .
Chapter 2 Spring Cleaning
Chapter 3 Carpool Etiquette
Chapter 4 Recycling
Chapter 5 Divvying Up Household Chores