Impossibly Tongue-Tied Page 26

  “Sweetheart, should we call a doctor?” Sam put his arm around her to steady her. Suddenly he realized how difficult Howard’s inquisition had been on her, not to mention the toll that everything that had happened in the past month—the discovery of Nathan’s affair, the divorce filing, and now the custody battle—was taking on the woman he loved.

  And then I go and put pressure on her about our future, he thought wryly. Her first priority is saving the life she’s made with Jake. I’ll just have to wait, with no strings attached, until she indicates that she’s ready…

  “No, I—I don’t think I’ll need a doctor.” Nina sat down and took a deep breath. “I just need to get that man off my back. Yuck! Now, that’s an awful thought!” She shuddered.

  “Right now, I have a feeling Howard is climbing up one side of Nathan, and Kat is crawling up the other, poor guy.” Sam smiled at the thought.

  “Yeah, I can just imagine! I have to say, though, it was sweet of him to come to my rescue! I’ll always be grateful to him for that.”

  Already she’s forgiven him for putting her through all this, Sam thought sadly.

  A grimace pierced Nina’s face. “I guess they’ll make him retract everything he just said, won’t they?”

  Lavinia laughed. “Look, when we go back in, I’ll get my chance to cross-examine Nathan. Believe me, if he changes his story between now and then, I’ll pull out the heavy guns.” Lavinia rummaged in her briefcase and pulled out the DVD of Nathan’s audition.

  “What’s that?” asked Nina.

  Lavinia popped it into her laptop so that Nina could witness Kat in action with her husband—and, after his initial shock, his enthusiastic response.

  Nina blinked away her tears. Seeing her reaction, Lavinia murmured, “Nina, I’m sorry you had to see this, but I think we need to be prepared to present this as evidence if we’re going to have any chance of getting the judge on your side. Believe me, no woman in that courtroom will side with Kat after we play this. And Jessup isn’t going to want to side with her, either.”

  “I don’t know, Lavinia. I don’t see how Nathan and I slinging mud at each other is helping Jake. For all we know, the judge may decide that neither of us is fit to have custody and put Jake in a foster home.” Just saying that out loud brought terror to Nina’s eyes. “Oh my God, Lavinia, could he do that?”

  “No, he won’t. Because pulling Jake away from both of you will mean more court time, and that guy wants this over just as fast as the rest of us.” Sam’s soothing summation was seconded by the look on Lavinia’s face. “The only one who seems to want this to drag out is that sadistic creep, Cross. Speaking of which, I’ve got to check in with my office. You know, I’m representing Howard’s wife in their divorce, too, and she’s been calling every hour for updates on how this hearing is going. She’s worried that he’s going to really play dirty if I beat him up too badly today. Unfortunately for you, Nina, the way things are going now I don’t think Mrs. Cross has anything to worry about. And considering the amount of alimony she’s asking for, that should be a relief to her.” That said, Lavinia hurried out the door.

  Sam put his hand on Nina’s shoulder. “The ball game’s not over yet. Listen, kiddo, if Cross puts you back on the stand, try to do whatever you can to neutralize your fear of him.” He snapped his fingers. “Hey, I know: Try to think of him as a kid around Jake’s age, or something.” He laughed. “Better yet, just think of him as one of your johns.”

  That put a smile on her face. “Yeah, you’re right. That always makes it easy.” She thought about Bertrand and King Kong and Herbie and the sadistic Potty Mouth—

  Potty Mouth.

  Nina bolted upright. Omigod, she thought, Cross is that gross cretin, Potty Mouth!

  “Wait, Sam, wait! You won’t believe this but—I think that Howard Cross is actually one of my johns!”

  This stopped Sam cold. “Wow! If you’re right—listen, Nina, do you just think that he is, or do you know?”

  She nodded her head with certainty. “It’s him, all right. I nicknamed him Potty Mouth because he made me recite every name I knew for penis; you know, skin flute, trouser trout, pork sword…disgusting, isn’t it? Then, of course, I’d have to go through all those horrid nicknames for a woman’s—well, you get the picture. In fact, he came up with a sweet name for me, too. Starts with a C. I’m sure you can use your imagination.” She shivered. “Is it fair that Potty Mouth can represent Nathan?”

  “No. He’s certainly got a conflict of interest. Then again, if we let Lavinia know that now, she’ll have to call for a new hearing, and you—and Jake—will be put through this all over again.”

  “I can’t have that! I’d just—we’ll just run away—”

  “Don’t say that, Nina! If you did, and they caught you, then you would lose Jake for good. Let me think for a moment…I’ve got it!”

  “What? What should we do?”

  “We are doing nothing. I, on the other hand, have got to take a meeting. Just leave it to me. And whatever you do, don’t mention what you know to anyone—particularly not to Lavinia.”

  He leaned down and gave her a kiss; not just any kiss, but a kiss that had her believing that he was going to save her little world for her.

  Then he sprinted out. His destination: the second floor men’s room in the Los Angeles Superior Courthouse.

  Everyone was pissed at Nathan, and boy, didn’t he just know it.

  Kat especially. “What are you, crazy or something?” she shrieked. “Taking the fall for that little bitch—how could you do that to me?”

  “I didn’t do anything to you, Kat,” he said in the calmest voice he could muster. “I did something for Nina. I don’t like Howard making her out to be an unfit mom to the whole world, because she isn’t! She’s a great mom.”

  He glared over at Howard, who smirked and shook his head. “You’re a fucking pinhead, kid, do you know that? Next time, stay on script. Or didn’t they teach you anything in that acting class of yours?”

  Nathan leaped in his direction, only to be held back by Riley. “Whoa, cowboy, he’s on our side, remember?” Riley snapped his fingers in front of Nathan’s eyes. “Look, he was only doing his job. You want the kid, right? Well, you just came off as if you care more about yourself. That’s pretty much blown your chances. Right, Howard?”

  “Not necessarily.” Everyone looked at Fiona in disbelief. “Well, to tell you the truth, I certainly didn’t believe him, so maybe no one else did, either. Better yet, I’m guessing that every woman in the courtroom fell in love with Nathan right then and there, for trying to take the rap for Nina. I sure as heck did.”

  “She’s right,” Howard growled tersely. “Pinhead here came off looking like a saint. Either that was sheer genius on his part, or it’s proof that he should go for a refund on those acting classes.”

  Riley tensed for Nathan to break loose for another shot at Howard, but Nathan just shrugged off the taunt. Heck, the way he’d just been treated at ShoWest, he was beginning to suspect Howard was right.

  It was Fiona’s idea that he go to the annual Las Vegas theater owner/filmmaker/movie star schmoozfest with Hugo, in order to screen some of the footage of Forever and Again for theater owners interested in upcoming indie releases. Besides, Nathan thought, putting a little distance between himself and Kat might not be a bad thing after all. She was so self-centered that she was getting on his nerves!

  But the press conference proved to be a big mistake. Instead of tossing Nathan softballs about the movie, the reporters laid into him: Was he a serious actor, or a pretty boy stud? Was his relationship merely a stunt, a way for him to bask in the glow of someone who had already made it in Hollywood? Why would he be so careless to allow his career—which had barely begun—flame out in a tabloid fury? In other words, was he pulling a Kutcher?

  “All those assholes cared about is my relationship with you!” Nathan groused to Kat when he’d gotten back to L.A. “They didn’t ask one question regarding F
orever and Again, or my upcoming projects…Jeez, not that I have any. Riley’s been lousy at locking anything down for me, other than that crappy Scream knockoff!”

  “Well, what did you expect, lover? I’m the best thing that ever happened to you. Why, everyone knows that.” Kat looked up from her lighted mirror, where she had been scrutinizing the effects of her latest Botox injection. “Hey, now, don’t knock Riley. He’s doing okay…for me at least. He swears that I’m a shoo-in for Scorsese’s new film…Damn, but I hate ensembles! Although, if Leo’s involved…Hey, if nothing comes up in a month or two, maybe Marty can fit you in somewhere. It’s a cast of thousands. There’s got to be some little part…” Having tracked down a tiny new wrinkle below her left eye, Kat missed Nathan’s shudder.

  Jeez, he thought, if I don’t get out from under her—literally and figuratively—no one will ever know what I’m capable of doing…

  As soon as this whole custody thing blows over, he decided, I’m dumping this high-priced skank! Hell, I might as well, since she doesn’t do it for me anymore, anyway.

  He laughed out loud at the thought of how Kat would react if she knew that, the last few times they’d made love, the only way he could even get it up was to imagine he was with Nina instead.

  “What’s so funny?” Kat looked up suspiciously. Had he noticed the wrinkle, too?

  Sam had figured Howard Cross for a tiny bladder, and he was right. Within sixty seconds of dismissing his client, the rotund attorney headed for one of the men’s room stalls.

  Noting this, Sam casually followed his prey into the men’s room, but not before hanging the “Out of Order” sign he’d found in the janitor’s closet on the outside knob of the door. Once inside, he locked the door to ensure that the two of them would not be interrupted, biding his time at one of the two sinks in the restroom.

  It took only a minute before Potty Mouth’s stream gave out. He grunted, zipped up, and started toward the door. Realizing that someone else was in the restroom, he paused, ran some cold water over his hands, then ransacked the paper towel rack with a vengeance, just for show.

  Sam was disgusted. Instead of shuddering, though, he murmured, “Germs. Disgusting, aren’t they? Particularly the ones on the old pork sword, huh?”

  That stopped Potty Mouth cold. Warily, he turned to Sam. “I—I beg your pardon?”

  “You know: the dipstick. Schlong. Skin flute. What, do I have to paint a picture for you?”

  Howard’s eyes got small. “No, I get you.” He shrugged. Then, with as much dignity as he could muster, he headed for the door.

  “Oops. Sorry! Didn’t mean to be such a, you know, Potty Mouth.”

  Yep, that got Howard’s attention. He whipped back around. “Who the hell are you?”

  Sam leaned against the wall. “A friend. Whose, I can’t say yet. I might be your friend, Howard…I can call you Howard, right? Or do you prefer Potty Mouth—when you’re not on the phone, I mean?”

  Howard went for the door, only to find it locked. Panicking, he kicked it a couple of times and rattled the handle.

  “Then again, maybe I’m Mrs. Cross’s friend. Does she know about Potty Mouth? If not, maybe she’ll want to find out before your divorce goes to settlement discussions.”

  Sam walked over to the door and unlocked it. He was just about to walk out when he heard Howard’s strangled gasp, “Wait! Wait—no! That bitch—that bitch hasn’t been able to find anything—before now…What the hell do you want, anyway?”

  Slowly Sam turned around. He smiled at Howard. “You strike me as a very fair-minded and moral man, Howard. In fact, I’m sure you’re fair enough to see that this custody battle between the Hartes is nothing more than some little misunderstanding. That’s why I’m counting on you to get your client to agree that joint legal custody would be the best thing for little Jake, with primary physical custody going to Mrs. Harte. After all, Nathan keeps a very busy schedule and all…What do you think? Does that sound fair to you?”

  “I’ll have to think about it,” the attorney said stiffly. “I’ll get back—”

  “Aw, now, Potty, that’s just your meat whistle talking again. I think you can work something out. And the sooner the better. Because if you don’t, then I’m sure that the soon-to-be-ex Mrs. Potty Mouth might have a better idea of what’s fair and equitable—particularly when she gets an earful of some of those imaginative phrases you love so much.”

  From the anatomically specific expletives that followed him halfway down the hall from the men’s room door, Sam figured that Potty Mouth had come to see things his way.

  When the hearing was called back into session, the first thing Howard Cross did was inform Judge Jessup that his client had reconsidered his stance on sole legal and physical custody, and was willing to cede legal custody to Mrs. Harte if an arrangement for partial physical custody could be worked out as well, say, for every other weekend, alternate major holidays, and perhaps a month each summer.

  Because Lavinia Hannigan murmured her client’s assent to that proposal, Judge Jessup was content to do nothing more than shrug and put his blessing on the deal. Besides, in his mind he’d done enough courtroom harrumphing on the topic of phone sex operators. Time to go back to what he did best: campaigning.

  He wondered how many votes from L.A.’s phone sex operators Howard’s antics had cost him. He hoped it didn’t include that of his own favorite PSO.

  Joy. Sheer joy.

  Sam could see it in Nina’s face, but just for the few seconds he could see her at all, before she was swallowed up by the sea of humanity that flowed around her, dogging her every footstep, shouting questions at her about how she felt now, and why she thought Nathan had changed his mind about sole custody for Jake.

  Hearing her son’s name, Sam saw her turn around expectantly, in search of the one person whom she knew she loved with all her heart.

  Her son.

  Someday, she will love me that way, too, Sam thought.

  In a blink of an eye, she was gone. Sam assumed she’d somehow made her way into the hall in search of the little boy, who was now cradled in the arms of his father.

  They looked picture perfect, both with golden hair, big dimpled smiles, and shining blue eyes…

  Nina’s boys.

  Did she see them? Yes, of course. How could she miss them? Like Nina, they, too, were the center of attention, even as they waited, in happy anticipation, for her arrival at their sides. And when she reached them, she would hug them both, this Sam realized because he knew her so well.

  She had sincerely appreciated Nathan coming to her rescue, proving to be her knight in shining armor.

  Once again.

  But that shouldn’t change anything between us, thought Sam.

  Could it?

  As Nina pushed her way through the crowd, Katerina reached them first, shoving Nathan so hard that he almost dropped Jake.

  “Hey, what—”

  He didn’t even finish the sentence before Kat pushed him again. “You are such an ass! How could you just—just cave in like that? Why, even I’ve got bigger balls than you do!” She glared down at Jake, who cowered and ducked his head in his father’s shoulder.

  Nathan set his son down on the floor, then turned back around to confront Kat. “That’s what I’ve always suspected,” he retorted. “And let me tell you, sweetheart, it ain’t a pretty trait in a girl.”

  Angrily, she slapped him hard, in full view of the ever-hungry paparazzi.

  Nathan was too much of a gentleman to hit back, but not Jake. He’d had it with Balloon Lips. If he could pop her somehow, would she shrivel up and go away? He was certainly willing to try.

  He took a bite of her thigh, and didn’t let go.

  Later, her yelp would be described by Us Weekly as “more piercing than that of the wounded animals she so fiercely protects…” The footage caught by Court TV would bear this out.

  And just like a wounded animal, she lashed out at her attacker. Grabbing Jake by the collar,
she was just about to slap him when Nina cold-cocked her, right on those renowned lips.

  Was “Meow! Kat Fight” too obvious a headline to use, Baxter wondered, as he blogged furiously, hoping to get a jump on the competing columnists who were gawking, shocked, at the comatose Katerina. Nah, I’ll go with it, he reasoned, because if I don’t, someone else will.

  He was right. Later, six other columns sported the same phrase. Still, he was the first.

  To sidestep the pandemonium, Nathan grabbed both Nina and Jake and pulled them away from the teeming, screaming throng. Sam couldn’t make out what Jake was trying to say to Nina, but whatever it was, it took her completely by surprise. She smiled and blushed deeply. Nathan, seeing their grins, wrapped his arms around both of them, enveloping them with his love before nodding in agreement, and leaning in to ask Nina something himself.

  What had Jake said to make her so happy? Sam needed to know. He shoved to get closer, but he never got near enough to hear what Jake said next. Not that it mattered because he could easily make out the words Nathan was mouthing to Nina as he looked down to her lovingly, soulfully:

  Nina, please, will you marry me again?

  What? her shocked look seemed to say. You—you love me?

  Of course he does, thought Sam. Who wouldn’t love you?

  He could tell that she was about to reply, but then Jake began jumping up and down, vying for her attention. His shrill cries could be heard above the din. “Say yes! Say yes! Please, Mommy! Say yes!”

  Soon the whole crowd was shouting: “Say yes! Say yes! Say yes!” But Nina just stood there: shocked, confused, laughing, crying—

  Sam couldn’t take it anymore. He turned and made his way down the opposite end of the hall.

  A naughty-but-nice girl next door. A repentant husband. An adorable kid.

  He knew a Hollywood ending when he saw one.

  18