The Housewife Assassin's Greatest Hits Read online

  I open the garage door in order to move my car into the driveway. That way, I’ll have the room to sort the discarded stuff into piles. If something doesn’t merit a trip to the GoodWill store or isn’t anything to hand down to Nicky or any other tot, it’ll go to the local dump.

  I start with the shortest stack of boxes, which is closest to the door. Most are filled with clothing. I lay out anything worth keeping—adult male, adult female, girl, and boy—on an old tablecloth.

  Fifteen minutes later, I’m ready to move onto the next tower of boxes.

  The top box isn’t as dusty as the others. Only when I open it do I realize why. It contains a lot of Carl’s clothing, along with other things of his I’d packed away.

  At that moment, I see it: my old recipe book is crammed into the corner of the box.

  Ah, now I remember! When Aunt Phyllis cleaned out her garage last year, she came traipsing back with a bunch of boxes she claimed were my mementos. She was right. My old diary was in one of them. I was so taken with it that I stopped to read it, cramming the rest of the stuff in here as well.

  I’m shaking as I reach for the recipe book. But just as I grab it, a large garden spider crawls out from under it. I’m so startled that I lose my footing—

  And I topple off the ladder.

  When I open my eyes, he’s standing there:

  Death.

  “Oh, heck,” I grumble. “Not you again!”

  As I stumble to my feet, I stare down at my body: No aches or pains, let alone broken bones. And yes, all appendages accounted for. I turn toward the driveway. Are flames flaring above a hellish abyss?

  Not at all. Instead, a pair of robins swoop playfully in the azure sky, so I guess my eyes, ears, and other senses are in fine working order.

  Then it hits me: It’s my brain. I’m going mad.

  “Don’t be so paranoid,” Death admonishes me. “Okay, granted, in your line of work, you have to be crazy to a certain degree. But you’re certainly not certifiable.”

  “Thanks. I think.” I sigh. “I notice you’re not carrying your little notebook. Can I take that as a good sign?”

  “Not to worry. You’re in the clear.”

  “You’re too gracious.” I bat my eyes. “So, to what do I owe this honor?”

  “I’m fulfilling my promise. I said I owed you one. Well, it’s payback time.” He leans in.

  “Much appreciated. Shoot—I don’t mean that literally, of course.”

  He rolls his eyes. “Just a heads-up, milady: within the next twelve months, someone near and dear to you will meet an untimely death.”

  My heart drops into my stomach. “Who?”

  Death wags a finger at me. “Only one favor. A name is TMI.”

  Too much information? Not if every person in your life is precious to you!

  The faces of those near and dear to me flash through my mind: my coworkers; Aunt Phyllis; my children;

  And Jack.

  Slowly, I nod. “You’re right. You’ve fulfilled your promise to me. Thank you for that.”

  He holds out a hand to shake.

  As I take it, I resist the urge to shudder.

  On purpose, he pulls a Macron, holding on longer and tighter than I’d like. There is a lot of pain in his grip: not his or mine, but that of the poor anguished souls who are his most recent victims.

  As I pull away, he chuckles wistfully, “Ah, sweet Donna Craig, your joie de vivre is infectious! You are so—WOKE! You’ll always be the one who got away.” He winks as he warns me, “For now. You won’t live forever.”

  “Frankly, I wouldn’t want to. Still, when I go, I’ll do so on my terms,” I assure him.

  “You’ll leave your legion of fans bereft.” His lips twist into a Cheshire cat grin wide enough for me to glimpse inside his mouth. What I see are stars being sucked into an abyss of dark matter.

  My way to hide my shock at this revelation is to shrug. “My only hope is that I’ll leave those who love me with fond memories,” I insist. “I hope that they’ll remember the adventures we shared and that they had a laugh or two on me. My goal has always been a well-lived life with purpose.”

  “Time will tell,” he replies. His left wing spreads just wide enough to stroke my cheek.

  Instinctively, I close my eyes. I can’t say I feel anything much: just the uptick of a slight breeze.

  When I open my eyes, he is already gone.

  In a year, I’ll lose someone I love.

  At this realization, my heart plunges into a dark pool of sadness.

  It’s replaced by a daring thought:

  Maybe Death will let me trade places with whoever it is.

  I grab my recipe book and flip the pages until I come to my beef stew recipe: Carl’s favorite.

  Yes, there it is: an envelope, addressed to me in Carl’s handwriting.

  I open it and read:

  Dear Donna,

  If you’re reading this, it’s because I couldn’t come home to you, as I planned.

  Please don’t think it’s because I didn’t want to, or that I didn’t try my damnedest. My intention was and has always been to be the best husband in the world, and the best father to our sweet, wonderful children. My leaving was the only way in which I could guarantee your safety, and theirs.

  I have no doubt that somewhere—hopefully on this Earth, and soon—we’ll be reunited. When we are, I’ll make good on the promise I made on our wedding day: to spend the rest of eternity with the woman I love.

  Yours, always,

  Carl

  He wanted it all. Instead, he lost everything.

  There was a time in which I loved Carl with all my heart. Smitten with Carl, in love with him, and hated him enough to want to kill him.

  May he rest in peace.

  I don’t know how long I’ve been staring off into space—thankfully, not Death’s Hellmouth—when Aunt Phyllis’s cackle admonishes me: “Wake up, Missy! The gang’s all here!”

  My children gather around me. At the same time, Jeff plants a kiss on my cheek, Mary’s lips brush my forehead, and Trisha snuggles into my lap.

  But the haze of desolation left in Death’s wake dissipates completely when I feel Jack’s arms go around me. “Hey, kids, give your mom some breathing room. We have all the time in the world to show her how much we love her.”

  I scan each of their faces. As always, Aunt Phyllis rewards my gaze with an impish grin. Trisha’s eyes are filled with adoration, whereas Jeff’s pat on my hand assures us both that we will always have each other’s back. Mary's eyes are glazed with sweet tears of relief. As if reading her mind, Evan nods resolutely.

  But it is Jack’s sweet kiss that gives me the assurance I need that, whatever the future holds, we will get through it together.

  I am back.

  For good.

  For now.

  THE END

  Performed by The Doors. Released in March 1967.

  “The End” was ranked at number 336 on 2010 Rolling Stone's list of “The 500 Greatest Songs of All Time.” It was also ranked number 26 on Blender's list of “The 50 Worst Songs Ever.”

  That's life. You decide.

  Listen to the Chapter Titles' Music

  Part of my process for writing this novel was to choose a song title that best exemplified the action to take place in each chapter. I didn't limit myself to any one genre of music. Instead, I let the lyrics set the tone.

  I'd play the song as I wrote. Often, I was surprised how well the words matched up perfectly with the chapter. It set the mood for me. I hope it does the same for you.

  While you'll find all of these on YouTube, this page on my website makes it easy to find them all in one place:

  https://josiebrown.com/HA16GH-SONGS

  Some were created and uploaded by the bands, artists, or their producers for promotional purposes. Others are a fan's homage to the band or the song. A few were from archival televised performances.

  Like most free websites, ads may appear on th
e screen courtesy of YouTube or the uploading source.

  Still, I hope these songs inspire you or tweak a few great memories. If so, I'm sure the musicians would love you to pluck down the small price for these single songs from your favorite streaming site. It's part of spreading the love.

  Also, regarding the Ungrateful Deads who fight Donna in her Hellish trials and the helpful souls gave her tips, you'll find her initial meetings with them these novels, although sometimes they appear in subsequent books too:

  Trial 1 (Chapter 4)

  Opponent: Gunter, Book 12, Husband Hunting Hints.

  Tipster: Varick Velasco, also Book 12, Husband Hunting Hints

  Trial 2 (Chapter 5)

  Opponent: Ratko Zoran, Book 3: Killer Christmas Tips.

  Tipster: Edwina Doyle, Book 2: Guide to Gracious Killing

  Trial 3 (Chapter 6)

  Opponent: Salem Rahmin al-Sadah. Book 11, Weddings, Weapons, & Warfare. Tipster: Robert Martin, Book 6, Recipes for Disaster

  Trial 4 (Chapter 7)

  Opponent: Sebastian Gillingham, Book 7, Hollywood Scream Play.

  Tipster: Nola Janoff, Book 1, The Housewife Assassin's Handbook; and Book 15, Deadly Dossier.

  Trial 5 (Chapter 8)

  Opponent: Liang Xia, Book 10, Garden of Deadly Delights.

  Tipster: Catherine Martin, Book 6, Recipes for Disaster

  Trial 6 (Chapter 9)

  Opponent: Midge and Dave Kelsey, Book 1, The Housewife Assassin's Handbook.

  Tipster: Valentina Petrescu Craig, Book 3, Killer Christmas Tips.

  Trial 7 (Chapter 10)

  Opponent: Tatyana Zakharov, Book 9, Hostage Hosting Tips; and Book 15, Deadly Dossier.

  Tipsters: Mara Portnoy, Book 9, Hostage Hosting Tips;

  (Chapter 12)

  And, of course, Carl Stone played tipster. You'll find him first in, Book 1 The Housewife Assassin's Handbook, and up through Book 8, Killer App.

  —Josie

  Next Up for Donna!

  The Housewife Assassin’s Fourth Estate Sale

  (Book 17)

  *Releases in 2018*

  Donna and Jack must infiltrate a major media conglomerate's newspaper, television, and radio divisions in order to stop a foreign state's covert attempt to initiate a global war.

  How to Reach Josie

  Click here to write Josie

  www.JosieBrown.com

  www.AuthorProvocateur.com

  pinterest.com/josiebrownca

  instagram.com/josiebrownnovels

  The Housewife Assassin Series

  DOWNLOAD THE FIRST BOOK FOR FREE

  The Housewife Assassin’s Handbook (Book 1)

  Every desperate housewife wants an alias. Donna Stone has one, and it happens to be government-sanctioned. But when terrorism hits close to home, espionage makes for strange bedfellows--and brings new meaning to the old adage, "Honey, I'm home..."

  The Housewife Assassin’s Guide to Gracious Killing (Book 2)

  On Donna's to-do list: First, exterminate a rogue operative out to assassinate the newly elected Russian President. Next: file for divorce!

  The Housewife Assassin’s Killer Christmas Tips (Book 3)

  'Tis the season for mistletoe...and murder! There will be no peace on Earth if Donna doesn't find a shipping container filled with heat-seeking missiles!

  The Housewife Assassin’s Relationship Survival Guide (Book 4)

  London. Paris. Guantánamo Bay. Donna Stone is looking for love--and terrorists--in all the wrong places. Worse yet, an old flame gets in the way of Donna's chance for true love. But she doesn't cry. She gets even.

  The Housewife Assassin’s Vacation to Die For (Book 5)

  An NSA scientist has disappeared with a deadly plague virus. Donna and Jack must find him before it is unleashed on Fantasy island. But first they'll have to deal with a nude sunbathing serial killer, a Lord of the Flies 'tween takeover, poison dart-throwing pygmies. And you call this a vacation?

  The Housewife Assassin’s Recipes for Disaster (Book 6)

  Donna must stop the assassinations of both US political parties' presidential candidates. But when she discovers she has a long-term vendetta with one of the targets, can she put aside her animosity long enough to save the candidate's life?

  The Housewife Assassin’s Hollywood Scream Play (Book 7)

  Lights, cameras and non-stop action! When Donna and Jack are placed on Interpol's Most Wanted list, they go on the lam by accepting an offer to act as espionage experts on a movie set.

  The Housewife Assassin’s Killer App (Book 8)

  In order to flush out an internationally renowned hacker who is wreaking havoc with top secret documents inside the United States' Intelligence Community's secured database, housewife assassin Donna Stone infiltrates three very successful high tech corporations, including an interactive game start-up with an avatar on the deadliest mission of all: kill Donna.

  The Housewife Assassin’s Hostage Hosting Tips (Book 9)

  It's up to Donna Stone to save a hotel filled with international dignitaries from terrorists whose usual demands are million-dollar ransoms. But this time, the price is much higher, and much more personal, for the housewife assassin.

  The Housewife Assassin’s Garden of Deadly Delights (Book 10)

  Housewife assassin Donna Stone's green thumb--and for that matter, her trigger finger--is put to the test when she must stop the release of genetically enhanced corn containing a deadly brain-eating virus.

  The Housewife Assassin’s Tips for Weddings, Weapons, and Warfare (Book 11)

  It's time for Donna Stone and Jack Craig to tie the knot--hopefully, not around each other's necks as they juggle the planning of their wedding with tracking a terrorist in the White House.

  The Housewife Assassin’s Husband Hunting Hints (Book 12)

  There is only one way for housewife assassin Donna Stone to save her husband and mission leader, Jack Craig, from torture and termination: become a traitor and act as a double agent for the terrorist organization known as the Quorum.

  The Housewife Assassin’s Ghost Protocol (Book 13)

  Housewife assassin Donna Stone's mission: go under deep cover in order to investigate the resurrection of known terrorists where were thought to be long dead and buried.

  The Housewife Assassin’s Terrorist TV Guide (Book 14)

  Housewife assassin Donna Stone must be more than just ready for her close-up if she's to infiltrate a television reality show in order to stop the broadcast of a live terrorist act.

  The Housewife Assassin’s Deadly Dossier (Book 15 - Series Prequel)

  In this full-length prequel to the series, Acme Industries' black-ops agent, Jack Craig, is tasked with investigating the mysterious death of his organization's most prolific hit man, Carl Stone--only to fall in love the the dead man's wife, Donna: a woman he must never contact, but who may hold the key to her husband's disappearance. When Acme approaches Donna to join the organization as an assassin, Jack takes on an undercover mission that will change both their lives forever.

  The Housewife Assassin’s Greatest Hits (Book 16)

  As housewife assassin Donna Stone Craig’s life hangs in the balance, a deadly bet with the Grim Reaper brings forth a cavalcade of ghosts from her past: those whom she loved and lost, and those whose lives she took. Their sometimes chilling but always insightful points-of-view on Donna's life leave her with a few regrets, and at the same time grant her the redemption she needs to keep living. But first she must beat the Reaper at his own game.

  The Housewife Assassin’s Fourth Estate Sale (Book 17)

  *Releases in 2018*

  Donna and Jack must infiltrate a major media conglomerate's newspaper, television, and radio divisions in order to stop a foreign state's covert attempt to initiate a global war.

  The Totlandia Series

  DOWNLOAD THE FIRST BOOK FOR FREE

  TOTLANDIA: Book 1 (The Onesies/Fall)

  In a world of power and prestige, no one has more than Bettin
a Connaught Cross, leader of the Pacific Heights Moms & Tots Club is the most exclusive children’s playgroup in all of San Francisco. And as every mom in Pacific Heights knows, you simply cannot cross her. But this year’s admissions process is more rigorous than ever, pitting prospective members against each other to prove their mettle. But four of the six candidates vying for the remaining four slots have a secret that would knock them out of the running. Jade is a former stripper and porn actress, who has been absent for most of her son’s life. Jillian’s husband cleaned out their joint accounts and left her for his pregnant assistant. Ally never even had a husband—just a sperm donor—and she’s hiding a high-ranking corporate job. And Lorna fears that her son may have special needs… just the excuse her sister-in-law, Bettina, needs to deny her entry to the club. Can these hopeful moms keep up appearances long enough to outlast the competition? Or will their chances—and their private lives—go up in flames?

  TOTLANDIA: Book 2 (The Onesies/Winter)

  In this second book of the Totlandia series, five mommies are just one misstep away from entry into the elite Pacific Heights Moms & Tots Club. Everyone has a scandalous secret to hide, but who will be the next to fall? With just four spots remaining, will the five remaining ladies turn cutthroat? Or will their newfound friendships be strong enough to help them band together?

  TOTLANDIA: Book 3 (The Onesies/Spring)

  The surviving moms are ready to reap the rewards of membership, but none of them counted on club founder, Bettina Connaught Cross, needing a pick-me-up from a bitter betrayal, whereas the new Onesies moms are trying to stay out of her sightlines long enough to deal with their own issues: Lorna wants to tell her family about Dante’s autism, but keeping it on her own terms could be difficult when her hippie mom and socialite mother-in-law meet for the first time. Jillian fights to regain her financial footing and confront her own insecurities, finding comfort in an unexpected place. And Ally can’t bear the thought of hurting Jade, so she continues to bury her feelings for Brady. But when another desperate housewife stirs the mix, Jade could become a pawn in an even more devious game.